


Feelings

by theartisticfoxx



Series: Non-Binary Connor! [4]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Coming Out, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Fluff, Gen, Gender Identity, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Good Dog Sumo (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson & Connor Parent-Child Relationship, Nonbinary Character, Post-Peaceful Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), changing pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28879152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theartisticfoxx/pseuds/theartisticfoxx
Summary: Feelings are hard, especially when you're a newly deviated android with little to no context as to what feelings truly are. It's worse when these feelings are not easily describable.
Relationships: Hank Anderson & Connor
Series: Non-Binary Connor! [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939372
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> you do not need to read the other parts of my enby connor series to understand this one! this one is a standalone, and does not relate to the other ones. :)  
> Connor switches between three sets of pronouns (he/him, they/them, and xe/xem)

Ever since deviating, Connor had noticed that there was this ever-present feeling that lingered at the back of his mind. It made him feel strangely detached from himself like he was a passenger in his own body. Maybe he felt this way because he suddenly had this newfound freedom to do whatever he pleased and _be_ whoever he pleased. However, the latter scared him more than anything; he had always been told exactly who and what he was, so the ability to suddenly be able to decide what kind of person he was going to be was slightly terrifying. 

Some parts of his fear/anxiety were easier to figure out, like what he wanted to do with his newfound freedom. He was more than happy staying at the DPD and being Hank's partner. After all, the DPD was all that Connor had ever known. He was quite literally designed to be a detective, so that was one of the few parts of his "machine life", for lack of a better term, to fall back on. That was a little bit of comforting normalcy in his now confusing and somewhat chaotic life.

Suddenly, Connor was curious about everything, despite having unlimited access to every resource available on the internet. He found himself asking meaningless questions to Hank and sometimes Nines. Hank had said that he was acting like a curious child that constantly asked their parents questions, but Connor couldn't help it. There were just some things that his processors couldn't comprehend.

"Hank?" Connor asked one day once he and Hank had gotten back from the precinct. "May I ask you a question?"

"Sure, go ahead." Hank was more than used to this by now. It was almost a routine of theirs, to come home from work and Connor would ask a couple of questions. Hank didn't mind, although he teased Connor about it from time to time.

"What does it mean to be alive?" Connor seemed unaware of the complexity of his question. 

"Jesus, Con," Hank grumbled. "There's not a set answer to that, y'know."

"Ah, I didn't mean to phrase it like that. My apologies." Connor's LED spun yellow for a split second as he tried to rephrase his question. "What I meant to ask was what does it mean to...to be a person, I suppose?" He shook his head, still not satisfied with his wording. "I mean, what is identity? What makes us _people_? None of this makes sense, just ignore my questions."

Before Hank could even attempt to respond to Connor's questions, the android left the house. Hank noticed that whenever Connor was stressed, he would take a walk. Hank also noticed that Connor had been taking a lot more walks recently, which was a telltale sign that something was bothering him. Hank wanted to just ask what was up to see if he could try and help, but Connor tended to reject all forms of help from anyone. The poor android had an independence complex, undoubtedly a result of his innate coding or something like that. Because of this, Hank was apprehensive to confront Connor about his change in mood He didn't want Connor to resent him for just trying to help.

Eventually, Connor did come back home. He was never gone for too long. Hank was waiting for him when he got home, as was Sumo, who got up to go greet him. Hank, on the other hand, stayed seated.

"So, do you wanna talk about what happened, or..?" Connor froze up when Hank spoke. Hank wanted to give Connor an out, just in case he just didn't want to talk about it, and it was obvious that Connor was taking that out.

"No, thank you," he mumbled, closing the front door behind him. He was trying to get away from Hank and go back to his room, but Sumo was intent on getting his share of pets, so Connor was stuck there for a little while longer.

"Listen, son. You don't _have_ to talk about it, but it's obvious that something's botherin' you.” Hank was trying his best to be helpful, but he wasn’t that good with words or communicating in general.

Connor looked up at Hank, his LED spinning bright yellow. He seemed a little confused, which surprised Hank a bit. Connor opened his mouth as if to say something, then stopped himself and shook his head.

“Thank you for your concern, Hank, but I’m fine,” he finally said. Hank wanted to call Connor out on his bullshit, but he wasn’t going to force the poor kid to talk if he didn’t want to. It looked like he was stressed out anyway, and Hank didn’t want to add more stress to his plate.

“Alright… Just know that you can always talk to me, okay?” Connor nodded and took this as his chance to leave, retreating to his room. That was the end of their conversation for now, but Hank certainly wouldn’t forget about it.

Hank felt bad for Connor. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been to suddenly have emotions after not having them for all of your life. He wanted to help Connor, but considering his problems with communicating and Connor’s problems with accepting help, it seemed nearly impossible. Maybe Connor would confide in him one day, but today was not going to be that day.

Connor kept acting differently as time went on. He was secretive, moody, and irritated. Even Gavin stopped his usual workplace teasing out of pity for the android. Something was very obviously bothering Connor, but every time Hank tried to bring it up, Connor would shut down (not literally) and try to convince Hank that nothing was wrong. 

Hank didn’t want to have to force Connor to say what was on his mind, but things were getting so bad that Connor’s performance at work was suffering, which never happened. So, after a tedious day of work, the two of them returned home. Before Connor even had the chance to half-ass an excuse to go hide in his room for the rest of the day or go on a long walk, Hank was pushing him over to the couch.

“Hank-” Connor’s protest was useless this time around. Hank was determined to figure out what was wrong with his partner. 

“Sit,” Hank insisted, gesturing to the couch. Connor reluctantly sat down on one side of the couch and Hank on the other, with Sumo deciding to lie down between them. Connor looked uncomfortable, which was evident by his yellow LED.

“What’s wrong, Hank?” Connor tried to remain oblivious, though he was surprisingly a terrible liar outside of his job. He absentmindedly scratched behind Sumo’s ears, much to the dog’s delight.

“Can you tell me what’s been botherin’ you, Con?” Hank got straight to the point, not having the time nor patience to beat around the bush anymore. “And don’t try to tell me that you’re fine, that’s bullshit. You’ve been so stressed out recently. I just want to help you, Connor.”

Connor was silent, his LED cycling between yellow and orange. He was looking at the floor, his eyes having a far-away look in them. Hank was happy to wait as long as it took for Connor to feel comfortable enough to respond.

After a long moment of silence, Connor finally looked back up. He didn’t look as stressed as he did earlier. He looked almost relieved. Connor sighed quietly and folded his hands in his lap.

“I’ve been feeling...conflicted, recently.” Connor shook his head, a wry smile on his face. “Though, conflicted doesn’t begin to describe it. Confused, perhaps? Lost? Either way, I’ve not been at my best recently, as you have noticed.”

Connor sounded a little ashamed as he said that as if he was blaming himself for whatever was happening. He was quiet again, undoubtedly thinking about what to say next. Hank stayed quiet, patiently waiting for Connor to finish talking.

“Ever since deviating, I’ve felt this strange sense of disconnect with myself, like I’m not me if that makes sense. I know that’s absurd, because how can I not _be_ myself?” Connor looked over at Hank for a moment before resuming. “I was quite literally designed to be myself in this body, so it makes no sense that I feel this way. This strange feeling persisted at the back of my mind and it wouldn’t disappear. It was affecting my everyday life, clouding my mind and my judgment. I thought it was a virus, so I went to Markus and explained what was happening.”

“What did he say?” Hank was genuinely worried that Connor had somehow gotten a virus. Was he in danger? Had Hank completely not noticed that his partner was sick?

“He said that nothing was wrong with me, that my systems were perfectly fine. “Connor exhaled a laugh, seeming to be getting more relaxed as he went on with his story. “He persuaded me to tell him everything, how I was feeling, what I was thinking… In the end, he chalked it up to me being a newly-deviated android that was having trouble fully shifting from machine to man, so he sent me on my way after making me promise to come back if I still felt odd after a while.

“It didn’t stop, as you probably know since we’re having this conversation. That’s why I haven’t been around all too much, because I’ve been visiting Markus at New Jericho. Since it wasn’t a virus that had wormed its way into my systems, we were trying to figure out what could be wrong. Eventually, Markus asked around to see if anyone else had experienced something similar, and it turns out that I wasn’t alone in this.”

“So? Are you okay, or is something wrong?” Hank couldn’t help but worry; maybe if he had committed to learning more about androids, then he could have helped Connor out.

“Oh no, nothing’s wrong!” Connor smiled reassuringly, which did help to ease some of Hank’s worries. “Well, nothing that is detrimental to my health, that is. After consulting with the others, a conclusion was drawn that this feeling was something similar to what humans would call ‘gender dysphoria’. Though, it’s not quite the same as how a human would experience it, since androids don’t have gender in the same sense that humans do.”

Hank took a moment to process what Connor had said. “So, what you’re saying is…” He paused, trying to figure out how to word this without seeming insensitive. “You want to be a girl?”

“No, no, not at all.” Connor shrugged. “Well, not really. It’s a little complicated.” Connor seemed to have to think of an adequate response to explain his newfound discovery. “I suppose that the most accurate way to describe it is ‘fluctuating’ or simply all over the place. I mean, I do not inherently feel male or female, I just feel like myself, if that makes sense.”

It didn’t make sense to Hank, since he had never been exposed to people who identified outside of the gender binary, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t support Connor anyway. “You’d probably have to explain it a few times before I understand it, but I think I get the gist of it. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable or anything?”

Connor seemed a little surprised by Hank’s response. It was like he half expected Hank to argue with him or throw him out. “Not at the moment, no. I’m still trying to figure things out though, so please bear with me if I seem a little absent at times. Both figuratively and literally, since I’ll be visiting New Jericho to meet up with the others.” He smiled softly, and an almost vulnerable look crossed his face, one that Hank had never seen before. “Thanks, Hank.”

“It’s no problem, kid. Thank _you_ for telling me. Can’t imagine how bad this was eating at you.” 

The two of them spent the rest of the evening in comfortable silence, having already said everything that needed to be said. Hank noticed that Connor looked a lot happier like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. It was the happiest that Connor had looked in a long while.

As time went on, Connor’s mood steadily improved. His visits to New Jericho were proving to be helpful, which also helped to make him feel better. It took a while, but Connor also eventually started telling Hank about what happened during his visits. He was slowly opening up to Hank, which was a massive improvement.

After one of his visits, Connor seemed elated. He was even humming to himself as he came through the door, which made Hank raise an eyebrow in surprise. “Someone’s happy today,” Hank remarked. Connor nodded, moving to sit down next to Hank on the couch. He was grinning from ear to ear, and his LED was a solid blue for once.

“Yes, I am! I have figured out more about myself as a person, and now I no longer need to visit New Jericho.” Connor was practically vibrating with excitement, which made Hank smile slightly.

“That’s great, Con!” Hank was glad that Connor had finally found that missing piece of himself. “What’d you find out?”

Connor hesitated for a moment, unsure if he wanted to share this with Hank. “Do you promise that you won’t think differently of me if I tell you?” Connor’s question was so quiet, that Hank almost didn’t hear it. Connor didn’t look as happy anymore, instead, he looked nervous.

“Of course, Connor. Nothing would make me think of you any differently.” Hank offered a reassuring smile in the hope that Connor wouldn’t feel as nervous. It seemed to work, though the android still looked anxious. After a small moment of silence, he finally spoke again.

“Are you familiar with pronouns? As in, pronouns that are different from the ‘standard’ he and she?” When Hank nodded, Connor continued. “I have decided to adopt, so to speak, a new set of pronouns. Is that alright?”

“Yeah, of course. Just bear with me if I slip up or something, okay?” Hank wasn’t bothered at all that Connor wanted to use different pronouns, he was just nervous that he’d mess up and make Connor unhappy.

“Thank you. If it isn’t too much trouble, I would like to be referred to with he/him, they/them, and xe/xem. Though, if that’s too much of an inconvenience, simply referring to me with ‘he’ is adequate.”

“Wanting to be called something different isn’t an inconvenience, Con. You don’t need to apologize for just wanting to be yourself.” Hank reached over to put a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “You’ll probably have to remind me if I slip up, and I might have some questions, though.”

Connor smiled and hugged Hank tightly. “Thank you, Hank,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by the fabric of Hank’s shirt. Hank hugged Connor back, noticing that the android was shaking a bit, but he decided not to bring that up.

Connor eventually pulled away, their eyes shining with unshed tears. They wiped their eyes in an attempt to seem okay. “Sorry, I’m just happy,” they explained.

“You’re good, kiddo. I’m glad you’re happy.” Hank ruffled Connor’s hair, which made them laugh and gently push his hand away. “Anything else I can do to make you feel more comfortable?”

“No thank you. You’ve already done so much for me.” Connor visibly relaxed for the first time since they started talking. They looked relieved to have gotten that off of their chest.

“Alright. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do, I mean it.” Connor nodded and closed xyr eyes, xyr LED flashing between blue and yellow for a minute. Hank left xem alone, thinking that xe was going into stasis or logging something in xyr files, or whatever it was than androids did. Connor didn’t come out of stasis for a while, but xe looked happy when xe came out of it.

“Apologies, I was just changing the pronouns that appear whenever my identification is scanned,” Connor announced proudly. “Only androids will ever see it, but that’s okay.”

“I’m proud of you, kid. Even small progress is still progress.” Hank gave Connor a quick pat on the back. “I’m headed to bed. You staying up?”

“Only for a little while.” Connor smiled and reached down to pet Sumo. “Goodnight, Hank.”

“G’night, Con.” Hank left, which meant that Connor was left alone with his thoughts. He was mentally exhausted, though he didn’t know why. Perhaps discovering this new part of himself took a bit out of him.

Connor stayed up a little longer so they could send a few messages. For one, they sent a rather lengthy thank-you message to Markus for all his help. Markus almost immediately responded with a ‘you’re welcome’ and an invitation to come back to New Jericho whenever they needed to.

Connor also sent a message to Nines detailing the situation since the two of them were close friends, and Connor wanted to let him know what was up. Nines responded with a simple thumbs-up, though he would most likely want to talk about it with Connor when they saw each other tomorrow.

After Connor sent out those messages, xe quickly took Sumo out to use the restroom, then xe retired for the night. For the first time in a long time, xe was able to go into a peaceful stasis.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! if you enjoyed, please leave a kudos or a comment with future suggestions as to how i can write more enby connor. :D


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